I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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