She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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