he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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