Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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