Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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