I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
