Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
