is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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