So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
