Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
