It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
