My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
