Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
