My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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