take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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