I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
