We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
