Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
