Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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