Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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