I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
