I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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