I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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