I can text with my tongue
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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