Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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