I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Randomize
