Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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