what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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