Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
