there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
