Just mADE A PArabola og urine
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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