Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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