he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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