Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Buhtt sex?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
