Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
