A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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