this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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