don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize