so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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