The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
