the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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