the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
