i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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