if we break up, who will get the dealer?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
