if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
