i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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