I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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