he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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