i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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