Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
