Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
