Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
