I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
