Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
You are the jesus of drinking
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
