Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
