Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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