and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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