community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
