good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
